Parenting to me is full of contradictions, with the biggest being the desperate need for some time alone versus when you finally get it, missing bubba like mad!
Recently when work took me away from Devon for a couple of nights I had started off very excited about the prospect of regaining some of my independence. As the trip got closer I became far more nervous than I ever expected. I am well travelled, in my previous life I would think nothing about hoping on a plane alone for another meeting but this time it felt different. Having not been on a plane for a couple of years, I suddenly felt very vulnerable, nervous and a little scared of flying, which I have never been before.
I have spent a night away from Devon and days spent in childcare have become the norm but she is only minutes away, an hour tops, there is something very separating about leaving the country and leaving your child behind, you can’t just pop back and see them.
It also feels very strange being on your own, not having a toddler pulling at your legs, not working around food and naps and fitting your life back into a small hand bag. The return of independence is terrifying. It’s scary having to do things on your own again without a toddler safety blanket.
Once in the full throws of work there is very little time for thought of home, you get stuck in and end up feeling like your old self. But then there is Facetime, a blessing and a curse, how wonderful to be able to see their beautiful face but heart breaking when you see the upset and confusion of when they don’t understand why you aren’t there. How is it possible they change and develop so much in those short few days you are away?
I can honestly say I have never been so excited to return home and see her beaming face. Time away is fun but the return is heart soaring.
But like everything in life you do it once and the second time isn’t so hard, in our heads we build up experiences and events to be scarier and more challenging than they are. We accomplish something we have been dreading and realise it wasn’t so daunting.